To be honest, though, it was interesting how much retail therapy is a SHORT fix. Even the very DAY after putting together the latest addition and no matter how excited I was when I set it up, I still had such mopey feelings about regular life. Even though for the first time in my life I have a beautiful headboard on by bed, the kids still fight, I still lose my patience, the house still gets REALLY messy, Freddy still needs me to change his diapers, meals still have to be made, eaten and cleaned up, going to the gym still feels like a monumental decision, my clothes still fit tighter than I would like, kids still have homework, yada yada yada, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. And then I just get mad at myself for being so mopey about regular stuff! I mean, come on, its not like Chris' cancer is back and he's fighting for his life again. Its not like I'm 8 months pregnant sleeping in a hospital chair for weeks on end dealing with fleas in some random apartment, or 1 week postpartum passing a kidney stone while standing next to Chris' hospital bed holding his hand through the 10th attempt at getting an IV to stay in him. Why is it so hard to be content in the face of normal problems?
I never got any amazing answer, but the past week or two things have gotten better. I've noticed a difference in me doing two things. I replaced my frequent internet checks during transition moments (either to facebook, or online browsing) with reading a snipit or part of an article out of the Ensign or having a designated scripture study, and I hung a HUGE banner up in my kitchen that says, "Live Joyfully, Live Happily, Live Enthusiastically. God does not dwell in gloom and melancholy but in light and love." (it was something Chris made a year ago for one of my Relief Society lessons from President Benson manual). And on the bad days I try to tell myself, if all I accomplish today is choosing happiness then that's good enough... that's a productive day. And its funny because when I choose to try out a positive outlook, I end up being really productive and that just makes me feel even happier.