Wednesday, August 10, 2011

too many tears

My head hurts. I've been crying on and off for a good few hours and I think I might explode. Chris had surgery today to remove a portion of an inflamed lymph node. After the surgery the doctor expressed concern that this doesn't look normal based on its large size and the number (a lot) of nodes involved, although the range of possibilities for diagnosis still extends to being completely benign.

I don't really feel like talking because I burst into tears the moment I see a kind face or think about calling family (and they all so deserve personal/detailed updates but I just can't talk anymore about it. I don't want to cry anymore. However, I also feel like I can't process things well enough to move on mentally until composing my thoughts into words. And "move on" I need to do in quite the literal sense.

I've felt numb all day. I knew the surgery today was a bigger deal than I was preparing for, yet I didn't know how else to act. I guess I was thinking today would seem more like a doctors visit, like the fine needle aspiration biopsy was two weeks ago. Wrong, wrong, wrong. We had plans to order Indian Food and eat it with friends and celebrate one of our friend's birthday upon arriving home. In reality, the whole experience took about 3 hours longer than we thought and involved prescriptions and pharmacies and insurance issues and the like.

The biggest wild card was how Chris was going to react and recover and it turns out he's REALLY exhausted and sore and uncomfortable and emotional. I think in terms of the strictly medical side of recovery he's doing well, but is also pretty out of it. I want to comfort him and help him and focus on him which is turning out to be easier felt than done because I feel like my hands are tied. We're moving tomorrow and I've still got Gwen to attend to. I couldn't even find a cup to pour juice into so he could have something to drink down his pain meds with. I found a plastic bowl in a box that was just folded down, not taped, and handed that to him with an apologetic grimace that just got bigger as I watched him try to sip from it laying down, resulting in a wet shirt and pillow.

He can't lift or carry anything thats over 10 lbs for a few days and shouldn't drive for at least a day or two. The moving trailer is being delivered tomorrow and we have 1 day to load it and get it picked up so we (I guess, mostly I) can drive back to Utah on Friday to be with our boys again and help my sister host a bridal shower for my little sister getting married in a few weeks.

I just want to tuck Chris in bed with his favorite pillows and pajamas and make him some chicken noodle soup, popcorn and apples. Yet we have no food in the house except for the instant macaroni meals/soups and crackers I found at the pharmacy earlier today. I just want to eat some dinner myself and then sleep off this migraine I feel coming on now that Gwen is down for the night and Chris is asleep. Yet I need to sort out my feelings, read the scriptures and a small part of me still feels the need to finish packing.

Alright, this is helping, I think. But enough with the hardships and depressing thoughts. I think I need to find the Lord's hand in all this in order to actually feel the comfort and support I've been craving.

First thought - what a blessing my friends here have been! Instead of wondering why I'm feeling support from friends but not the Lord, I need to realize my Heavenly Father put those friends into my life in the first place.

Second thought - our families have been praying for us and thinking about us! Instead of stressing over keeping them all updated without wanting to talk, I need to thank the Lord for their concern and love.

Third - I need to seek comfort and love from Christ through prayer and reading the scriptures. Its too bad we've been on vacation/camping/family reunions this past while since it makes it so hard to maintain regular scripture study, but still I believe had I kept it up, I would have felt more peace today.

Fourth - Todd and Jared gave a nice blessing to Chris last night before we flew out this AM and he was impressed with how confident and good he felt about Chris' overcoming this.

Ok. Now, enough babbling, I need to get out the scriptures and welcome their peaceful spirit into my empty, now dry, self.


Katie B. said...


You're such a good example to us of approaching trials with humility and faith. I mean, you're not just thinking, "Oh, I'm sure there's meaning in all this and I should look for the Lord's hand in it." You're sitting and writing down the ways you see the Lord's hand in your life and expressing your gratitude for your blessings. This will be so good for your family to look back on later, and such an example for your kids of how to approach trials. Even though I've vaguely thought about the way we were being guided and blessed in our attempts to start a family, I've never consciously written those things down. I'm going to try and repent and be cool like you!

P.S. The long wait has finally paid off. :)

Anonymous said...

Im the same way, I feel like every time I dont read my scriptures a little bit of my sanity exits my brain somehow. I'm glad you found time and hope and pray you continue to find time to "keep your sanity."