Monday, January 9, 2012

Blah

I've been thinking about writing a post like this for a while. Then the day(s) pass(es) and I forget about it in the midst of other things to post about. But I finished the book I was reading and there aren't any interesting shows on TV so I'll let these thoughts just hang heavy and release them.

I'm tired. I'm done. I'm bipolar. Mostly, I think I'm tired. Its crazy to think that yesterday I was teaching the women in church about "Living what you believe" and I totally felt it! I felt inspired to try and work harder at truly living what I believed. I was determined to go above and beyond what I typically do and really strive for patience, assertive compassion, and awesome-mom-ness by enjoying my children more.

Then today, I'm just blah. And it wasn't even a hard day. In fact, all things considered, it had all the ingredients for greatness: I actually got out to run at 6:15AM even though I got to bed at 2:00, I got Chris to his chemo appointment only 15 min late, I successfully scrambled last-minute to get the bed/house ready for Chris to come home and feel happy to be there because for 2 hours I let the kids play/cry/laugh/entertain themselves while I read my book! I found energy to get 2/3 of the wash folded after I read for 2 more hours during nap time and finally finished my book, and I didn't over do myself when I made Mac N' Cheese for dinner and a very short, low-profile Family Home Evening before getting the kids in bed and asleep before 8:00.

Really, it was a great day. But I still feel tired with it. I catch myself wondering, so...this is my life, huh? I'm sure some of my feelings are due to my lack of sleep, or about how I don't live an exciting life of a woman who saves entire worlds with her magical powers and 5 guys who are all in love with her. (that one is slightly embarrassing to admit) If I break down my feelings a bit more, I'll start to feel a bit guilty for feeling so not-excited about life when we've been the recipients of so much love, support, and blessings (did you hear Chris' CT scan showed very positive results!?).

I like really loving life and being excited about it. I just wish those feelings could last forever.

Part of me realizes that its not possible to be in a constant state of cloud-9-ness. I know that we can't really know joy if we don't also know misery. I know that for a split second a few days ago I smelled spring and sunshine and felt the concept of "everything has a season" apply itself to all aspects of my life. I know Spring will come. I know that I'll wear shorts and sandals again and be warm somewhere. I know that we'll be able to do some active and fun activities with Chris again.

Until then I guess I'll just enjoy some good chocolate, waste some time watching nonsense on TV or on the Internet. Although, if I would follow my own advice from my lesson and try and recapture those inspirational feelings I would kick myself into action and do something really worthwhile with my time. How about a compromise? Baby steps. I'll veg out tonight and be better tomorrow. :)

8 comments:

dixie said...

I think Mondays are just blah days. Things will be better tomorrow. or the next day. or sometime soon. hang in there.

MandaMommy said...

I love you Brittney! You're really doing an awesome job. (And it feels lame to admit but I get crazy funk blahs all the time here because it's "winter" and I don't get to walk around in my short sleeves all the time. Seriously, I hate winter. Also...hormones sometimes mess up my mood too...(?) And sleep, like you said.) Anyway, I think all those feelings you're having make lots of sense and I hope they go away soon! Hugs!

P.S. You are seriously awesome to be running in that crazy weather. You rock. Those ladies are lucky to have you as their exercise buddy.

Aaron, Cera, Jaylen and Gavin said...

Brittney, I seriously love your honesty. I've had extremely similar thoughts since becoming a mom. It's ridiculously hard (speaking of that, I don't know if you've seen this article going around, but I read it today and LOVED IT- (http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ )
Anyways, you're not alone and you're doing an awesome job. Even if you don't have 5 guys drooling over you, you've got 3 handsome boys and a sweet little girl in love with you, so I'd say you're doing pretty well! :)

Stephanie said...

I think everyone feels blah now and then. Winter causes some cabin fever -- spring will come, cancer will end.

merilee said...

Brittney you are awesome...sometimes it seems like everyday is just blah, blah, blah. The most important thing to remember is that ITS OKAY to feel that way. I read the article that Cera mentioned...seriously a good read. Hope you have some good moments this week. Love you!

Crystal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crystal said...

Brittney,

I'm sure I'm echoing what everyone else has already said but thanks for sharing how you feel. I seriously said to Adam a week or two ago that sometimes I just think "so, this is my life?" not that I would trade it for the world. I have those blah days too. I think a good vegging out is more than necessary some days :) We love you guys!

Shelly Beth said...

Love you Brittney! I think every mom feels this way once in a while. And sometimes I find myself in a "funk" for no particular reason except I am just in one of those moods. Sometimes I just need a good cry and a lot of sleep and things seem to turn around sometime. I hope you find your "spring" soon :)