to do list

My head hurts (I feel like I've started 1/2 my posts out with something like this in the past month). There is so much to think about, remember and do. Someone dropped by a plate of cupcakes last night (so nice and yummy!) and said something like, "I had time to kill tonight and thought I'd fill the time with baking." and my first thought was..."oh! I remember that! I had time to kill at one time... maybe 5 months ago..." Granted, the guilty part of me knows that the night hours from 8:30 on, are usually spent doing nothing important aside from folding laundry sometimes in front of the TV. I really should just go to bed, that would actually be helpful.

Even now I'm thinking, "you're wasting time..." but I sort of just need to get out a list of things to do before I forget them. Some are important some are not but I'm not very good at deciphering between the two. For me, if I have the thought that I should do something, it can often drive me crazy until I do it...no matter how small it seems.

To do:

1. Ha! what do you know, I'm drawing a blank...this is not a good sign. Wait! its back, 1. get to a Scotia bank to pay back the cash Chris' cousin lent us when we first moved here and couldn't get enough Canadian money to pay for our house deposit.
2. go grocery shopping: milk, bread, fruit, vegetables
3. Make dinner: rice and stir fry vegetables with the pork Dixie froze for us
4. clean and sanitize the bathrooms...gotta keep the germs down
   
5. mow the lawn (I have a feeling this one won't happen for a while, but it still needs to be done)
6. Get to a Rogers Telecommunications store and get set up with Canadian cell phone stuff.
7. Write or email thank you cards for all the thoughtful things people have given/sent us
8. go through finances to pay bills: electricity, American credit cards
9. Get my lesson together for Relief Society (at least I have two-ish weeks for this)
10. sweep or wipe down all the upstairs...dust builds up fast on hardwood
11. clean up the backyard and find somewhere indoors to put our big camping buckets that are just strewn about the patio.
    
12. organize all the paperwork we got at Chris' first chemo treatment into a binder...just in time for his next treatment on Monday.
13. water the house plants
14. finish unpacking the books and pictures and arrange them better on the bookcases
15. finish getting the bathrooms settled with places for hand towels and toothbrushes
16. find a better system for jackets/purses...maybe another board with hooks by the back door?
17. Make separate church bags for the boys (not a need, but I think it would GREATLY improve Sacrament Meeting behavior)
18. organize the medicine so its not spilling out all over the pantry and falling where kids can get at it all
19. better yet, organize the entire pantry better so things don't fall off the shelves.
    
20. When do we need to get snow tires? or even snow boots/pants/jackets for everyone in the family...its probably better to have them before you need them.
    
21. I think the gas in the van is almost out
22. The front room "needs" some color and pillows
    
23. tidy the top of our dresser...which means figuring out a better system for my necklaces and such...any cute ideas? I'm thinking something in an empty frame on the wall....
    
24. continue the daily clean up of kids messes, in and out of the kitchen. Like the following baby powder party Gwen and Charlie had last week:
    

Well... that feels better a little bit. Now hopefully there's enough time left of quiet/nap time to have some personal study time. I really just want to nap, was that on my list somewhere? First though I better go see why Gwen is STILL crying. She probably has a little surprise for me in her diaper.

Wedding

My little sister, Sarah, got married last week! In some ways its odd to see her married since I've never really seen her around any significant others but in other ways, she reminds me so much of myself when I got married that it seems totally natural to see her in white, exchanging smiles and hugs with a good looking groom. Sarah and Justin (German) seem to fit each other so well, I think they will be one fun, totally awesome couple. I'm so happy I was able to be a part of their start. Going through the temple with Sarah was probably my favorite part of the whole shebang. All of my adult siblings were there and it was the first time we'd all been in the temple together, like that. Pretty special. I love my family.

I was a bit emotional at times and all my siblings took good care of me. Tiffany watched over me, housed me, drove me places, gave me an awesome back rub; Justin and Jordan even tucked me in at night! I also got a chance to hold and kiss my week old niece, Amelia, and talk with Jared and Ashley.

Also it was really fun to see so much extended family and other friends at the temple and reception. We even ran into my cousin, Emily, on her Temple Square mission! So fun. I especially enjoyed seeing my sister in law, Jess with her kids and my father in law, and also my cousins at the reception and talking with them. It was pretty fun being there without kids to be distracted with. It was a great trip and many thanks go to Mama Dixie for taking care of my home and family back in Canada so I could make the trip.

first round of treatment

--By the way, Chris is starting a blog where he can vent about his cancer experience... but I'll still write some things about it here on our family blog --

First round of Chemo was on Monday. We were told to allow 3-4 hours, although it took more like 5 and a half. Other than the time, things went really smoothly. After checking in we walked up to one end of the 4th floor. We were instructed on the basics of chemo therapy. Grab a warming bag, put it on your forearm, find your bed/station number and lay down or take a seat if your assigned to a chair. The middle of the room is a half circle with windows looking over Edmonton. Its actually a beautiful day and with the flat terrain we can see for miles, or (I should get used to saying) kilometers.

We see almost all of the beds or chairs already filled with patients, most of them bald, quietly sitting, reading or sleeping, attached to an IV with machines occasionally beeping. A nurse comes over and explains what drugs she's going to give Chris today. First an anti-nausea drug that will take about 20 minutes, then a saline flush for 10 minutes, then we'll start the first of the 4 drugs in Chris' ABVD protocol with saline flush in between each drug.

Because of Chris' intense back/leg pain he's been having for the past few days (a herniated disk from coughing so bad...we think... we still need to find a family physician...they are SO HARD to find one taking new patients here) we lay him down flat on the bed. They have these warm blankets they keep in a heater and the nurse puts one on Chris and I tuck him in.

The nurse has a hard time getting the vein and pokes around for a bit before letting another nurse have a try. Luckily, she gets it in first shot. Chris is a bit nervous, I can tell, but we actually keep a relaxed manner and talk, joke, read or sleep for the 5 hours. Chris can get up and go to the bathroom, which he does about 4 times (with all the fluids they're pushing in him, its a wonder it was ONLY 4 times).

Volunteers come to deliver water, juice, tea, coffee, and or cookies to everyone in the wing every 2 hours or so. I eventually go grab Chris some lunch and in my 10 minutes of being gone, I miss Chris' oncologist who has come to check on him to see if his back/leg pain is any better. After 2 days of Ibuprofen around the clock it does seem to be getting slightly better. Chris can't be standing or sitting for longer than 5 minutes before its too painful and he needs to lay down completely flat again. Usually, his doctor won't come up and we'll only see him on our Friday-before-treatment meetings.

The second drug they give him is inserted into his IV from a big needle the nurse holds and slowly pushes in over 15 min. Its red and will turn his pee the same color for the next while. The last drug is also really hard on the veins so its given with more saline over the course of 1-2 hours, depending on if the patient starts to feel sore/a little bit of pain and needs a break. Chris mostly sleeps (or appears to be sleeping) through this one and does it straight through...it still takes about 2 hours!

He's tired but otherwise normal seeming and we walk out to the car wondering with anticipation when he will start to feel completely awful.

Luckily, that hasn't really happened yet! almost 48 hours since the start of the treatment and he's feeling not-TOO-bad. Still tired, and nauseated enough to take the prescription drugs every now and then, but mostly Chris seems to be in a good mood. They say it gets worse over time and I bet his treatments won't all go this smoothly, but we'll take just about any good news right now. Including the news we got the previous Friday when the oncologist said that based on the CT scan showing the disease ONLY above the diaphragm, he thinks Chris is only at a stage 2! We were thinking 3 or 4 and it still could be 4 if its found in the bone marrow (the results still weren't in on the bone marrow biopsy...ugh!) but stage 2 is great news.

Ok, thats enough details and my flight is about to board so I'll try to upload this quick. I'm on my way to UT for my sister's wedding! Chris' mom has been with us, watching the kids during all this, and will now take care of my little family until I get back in 2 days. Its hard to leave, but with Chris doing so well, I'm not as worried as I might have been. I'm also pretty excited to see my family and get a little break. :) If only I didn't have to wake up at 3:15 AM to make my flight.

A is for Apple

The kids have suffered a bit with getting little attention from Chris and I. Like my dad, I have a tendency to --bulldoze-- (as my mom calls it) when it comes to working on something. I just want to work work work until it gets done and be as efficient as possible while still getting the WHOLE project done right. So the job of "settling in" has taken up most of time ...or at least whenever I'm not doing immediate caregiver tasks like meals, cleaning up in-your-face-messes, naps, baths and bedtime.

Ok. Hold back. I can tell I'm giving this more detail than I intended. Basically the kids have been crazy for attention. So, this week I wanted to try to do some fun school-like activities with them. We've done a lot of things with apples since we picked boxes of them last weekend.

The boys really liked acting out the legend of William Tell shooting an apple off his son's head. We used cones for sons (since we were fresh out) and balls for arrows (but only because I didn't want to go find our arrows) and had a blast. They both actually had pretty good aim after a while.

Now this has nothing to do with apples but everything to do with Gwen being stinking cute. Remember I said she loves shoes? Today she threw a fit when I didn't put a pair of Charlie's flip flops on and didn't accept my reasoning of "you already HAVE shoes on, see? Sandals!" I gave in and put the flip flops on over her other sandals thinking she'd walk a few steps and want them off, but no. She wore them for hours that way. And it was making her walk funny. Style over comfort for this girl.

I'd like to add that most of the apple activities were done between bouts of very nearly uncontrolled anger on my part. I feel SO short of temper with the kids recently and have only enough energy for a sweet voice on the first 2 or 3 repetitions of any given phrase...after that its like I've unleashed a monster. Many people have commented about me keeping up a good attitude and I was pretty surprised to read that since I feel very NOT positive. To combat this I usually try to focus on the good things in conversations and blog posts but the marjoity of the time I'm feeling and thinking pretty miserably. Life is just hard right now. I wonder if I could see even 1 year into the future, what it would it be like?

spontaneous tour

So, the kids were being pretty cute this morning. I started taking pictures and realized they also showed a good tour of our upstairs! So, while its not exactly clean and pretty, it does give you a better idea of what our house looks like than those last pictures. The kids are playing snake monster ( a game started by Peter in our courtyard) where someone runs around with a blanket dragging behind and everyone else tries to jump on the blanket and catch a ride. Pretty fun. Also, pretty crazy.

First is Gwen being cute, standing in the L shaped living space. I'm standing at the front door. The boys are trying to entice her to play snake monster.

Which she likes to play if she can be the one pulling the blanket.


Two steps to my left, I'm now standing in the doorway of the boys room, looking down the hall where Gwen's room, small closet and master bedroom are on the left, and straight ahead is the bathroom section. Its a 1/2 bath connected to a contained bath/shower room, which is connected to another 1/2 bath which is connected to the master bedroom.


Following the kids I'm now standing by the doorway of the bathrooms (there's a nice little pantry to my right) and I'm watching Gwen start to get frustrated that she can't pull the blanket with Charlie on it through the kitchen/eating area.


somehow she made it around the corner out of the kitchen and almost back into the living space but by then the boys were getting frustrated with Gwen's I-can-only-pull-an-empty-blanket participation and commandeered the reigns from a now, very unhappy Gwen. You can see the coat rack/shoe landing area that leads to both the basement stairs and to the back door which takes you through the small yard to the garage.


Downstairs is mainly just a play space with toys and our couch/TV. There's also a mini bar thing and another bedroom that is now a craft/sewing/office/guest room. Pictures coming, but I'd rather just post what I've got now and eat apple crisp and watch a movie with Chris. Which is the 2nd time we've had such a fun (movie with a treat) and relaxing night in the past month.


Well, one more picture and a movie:


Gwen is just so fun. I only just barely get annoyed with something she does maybe once or twice a day, but other than that, she just brings joy to my life. She snuggles a little, likes to give kisses, say Hi and smile for the camera, "cook" with me in the kitchen, and wear shoes...especially boots. She also likes to lay down on pillows or sit on blankets to get all cozy. Here is a video. Oh, at the end, she's saying, "Bath" and "up" because she wants to get in the bath again, but I don't catch it while I'm filming.

Update... and some blubber

I know many of you are wanting an update on Chris. Sorry to not have emailed you all personally, and while I know Chris doesn't want our blog here to become a Cancer Blog, I'll just put a little update on here anyway and try to remember to post about others things too. This is our life and cancer is now a part of it, but we also have the rest of life to live and document. I hope I can maintain a good balance for everyone and myself.

He had a doctors appointment yesterday and finally met with an Oncologist here! Based on Chris' concerns and symptoms, the Dr. is guessing that Chris is at a stage 3, potentially stage 4 depending on if its spread to his bone marrow. Yikes! Not exactly what I was hoping for but I knew it was in the realm of possibilities. We'll know for sure what stage after the full body CT scan (scheduled for tomorrow) and the results of the bone marrow biopsy they did yesterday after meeting the doctor.

His treatment plan so far consists of meeting with doctors to discuss and do lab work on Fridays, then a round of Chemotherapy the following Monday and repeat that every 2 weeks for about 6- 8 months. The side effects of the 4 drugs they're planning on using are disconcerting and I think we're just barely getting an idea of how awful this is going to be. I guess we're slowly being eased into it as this past week Chris has had cold that has just knocked him out. He's constantly tired and coughing so bad he can't sleep. Today was a little better than yesterday so hopefully he's getting over it and can be fully healthy before his first round of Chemotherapy tentatively scheduled for next, next Monday.

So.... how are we all holding up? Chris is in remarkably good spirits. He's really responsible about keeping track of all of his appointments and other random tasks to do since we moved to another country like insurance, bank stuff, registration stuff etc. The boys have taken it all in stride and pray for him but other than that seem completely normal and unfazed. Gwen is totally oblivious (obviously) but really LOVES her new house and walks around like she owns the place. I... I have tough periods mixed with I'm-doing-fine periods. I miss my normal Chris who wants to cuddle and kiss me. I'm having to change my perspective of what kind of normal help I can expect from him and also try to stay positive and feel/show sympathy for him. And the actual treatment hasn't even started. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but at least am blessed with a numbness about it all. I still haven't felt any real sense of dread or despair. Although, it just feels like I can't get a break. I start to feel a bit settled and good about life and then something else comes up.

Yesterday, I did a really dumb thing and left my purse on the LRT (the public transit monorail system here). I was distracted with the getting the kids all off and safe since I was by myself.
So I had all the kids and the stroller and was locked out of our house, without any money or a phone for 5 hours, over lunch and nap time. They still haven't found my purse with my wallet, keys, map, planner, etc.

The day before we realized as we were trying to get a new cell phone plan straightened out, BOTH our drivers licenses were expired! We can't renew them because we don't live in CA anymore and we didn't think we qualified for an Alberta license since we're classified as temporary residents. Luckily it turns out we can, and it took us all day just to figure that out and get temporary licenses (although mine, of course, is now lost or stolen). That in turn, means we can no longer keep our car registered in the U.S. and now need to pass tests here to register it, which also means we need to first get insurance here....and on and on and on it goes.

My dad feels really strongly that this is all happening for a reason, specifically the whole finding out about cancer + moving to Canada thing. I'm grateful for his perception and have relied heavily on it since I still just mainly feel numb. Thanks for all your prayers and emails and love. I know I sound pretty pathetic but I also know that somehow we'll make it. God will protect my family and that feeling is a blessing I should try harder to remember.

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Man, when I started writing this post I had no idea I was going to be so blubbery again. Sorry for the length and ..uh..blubbery-ness (whatever that means).

New House

So, we moved into our new place this week! Its a house. And it feels like triple the size of our last place. Although, at 650sq ft, that's not too hard to do.

The pros:

• The basement is finished and it has a HUGE carpeted main room that is only devoted to playing. All of our toys are down there and the boys love it. There is even an extra bedroom (sewing room or... GUEST ROOM!? who's coming?) and a bathroom down there!
  
• It has 3 bedrooms and 2 toilets all on the main level! (there is no upstairs)
• There's even a little pantry next to the kitchen.
• Wood burning fireplace -- which makes me feel good about emergency preparedness.
• Small backyard with a big garden space and a DOUBLE car garage!
• A brand new dishwasher and washer and dryer.
• Its in a great (safe) established neighborhood with 3 excellently rated elementary schools within walking distance.

It seems that most people live in townhouses or other old/small homes and just thinking about the two homes we've been in already, we'd rather live in our house, so we feel pretty lucky. I bet you want some pictures! The boys had the camera out while we were moving in, so while we have pictures, they're not all that informative... except for one fact: CHARLIE IS THE DARLING-EST BOY EVER! See what I mean?

Lest anyone think my life is perfect, I feel the need to have balance in all things.

The cons:

• Its pretty old. It was built in '76 and probably has the same wallpaper/toilets/sinks/curtains/carpet/closet doors. (at least the fridge and stove and heater are only a few years old)
  
• The garage is detached, so we've still got to walk outside to get there.
• Its laminate "hardwood floor" upstairs and the landlords are pretty nervous that the boys will destroy it so I have to be super vigilant about what toys are upstairs and how the boys play on it.
• There actually aren't any kids in the neighborhood... VERY different from our last love, EV.
  
• The kitchen, while there is more counter space, the cupboards are really small so our pots and pans don't fit and its crowded with more than 1 person in it. Also, there is no disposal (called a garborator here). I didn't think this would be a big deal but it actually is pretty hard for me right now. I probably just have to get used to it.