Kids in UT

 It occurs to me that I haven't posted any pictures of the kids during the past 3 weeks. Our family has been great to send us pictures and updates. It was a really difficult decision trying to decide what to do with the kids during this time, but I'm very please with the plan we decided on. Almost every day Chris and I thought of a new reason why it was working out so well. I know it was a lot to ask of our family in UT, but they never made us feel it. In fact, Grandma Dixie has said a couple of times what a good thing it has been to have the kids there and how grateful she is that we let her have the kids for a while. hahaha. She's a saint. We are really happy that the kids had this special time to bond with family, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Here are some fun pictures of their past 3 weeks.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was hard for me. I cried a lot that day. I feel like I can sort of understand people who hate holidays or certain days...I never really got it before. "Can't they just let the rest of us celebrate and not begrudge our fun?" Even the innocent, well-wishing phrase of "Happy Thanksgiving!" that all the nurses or even random strangers said to me made me hurt inside. No, it wasn't happy and this certainly wasn't Thanksgiving. Every happy holidayer just reminded me of what I didn't have. I didn't have normalcy. I didn't have my children with me.  We didn't have ANY family around us or good friends even.  We didn't have the time or energy to cook a nice meal, we didn't even have a kitchen to cook it in. Usually in the worst of days I have at least my bed and warm house to be grateful for, but sitting in a chair in the hospital, I didn't even have that.  During my bedtime prayer Thanksgiving morning (since we were going to bed at 2:30am that morning after being admitted in the hopsital) I saw the irony in my inability to express much that I was thankful for, my heart was full of sorrow and longing for the things and people I didn't have.  Irony and ingratitude. Deep down I knew I was still lucky and blessed. I knew there were far worse scenarios I could be living out. But during that early morning hour I was too tired to change my attitude and resolved to take some time later that day to feel more grateful.

In the morning things didn't really look at better automatically. Sometimes that happens, but not that day. We found out the Gwen was sick and threw up some during the night. This made my heart ache even more because she's never really been stomach sick before, never thrown up and I worried she might be scared, that she might just want to be held... and I wasn't there to hold her. The hospital doctors and nurses came to give us the lab results and Chris' counts were down, he needed another unit of blood.  The light that we started to maybe imagine seeing during the last two days seemed to have died out. Chris morphed into his hospital self and basically laid in bed either pretending to sleep or silently flip through TV channels.  We watched a bit of the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade and chatted occasionally about the pointlessness of it, or wondered at our inability to recognize any of the 'featured people.'

By 2:00pm, I was feeling so gross and down I had to get out, go back to the apartment do some laundry and shower. I cried during the whole drive home, my shower and my bed rest while I waited for my clothes in the dryer. Alright, enough! Now was the time to change my attitude. I think I had given myself plenty of time to sorrow.  I spent some time reading, thinking and writing in my journal and slowly I could feel my attitude change. We really do have so much to be grateful for. Some people have no family or friends I have amazing quantities and quality in both. Some people haven't found that someone they want to spend all of eternity with. I have...and together we have 3 beautiful versions of our oneness, our love.  AND we have one more growing inside me!  This little baby has been such a blessing to me recently, keeping me company and giving me hope and wonderment for the future, his future.  Some people have to constantly worry about where they'll sleep, what they'll find to eat, and how they will protect themselves from serious harm day by day. I don't have those worries. Some cancers are incurable and people have to deal with never ending treatments. Chris' isn't like that.  We still have the possibility of a bright cancer free long life. Some people don't know where to find comfort and peace in their dark moments. Some people really think they are 100% alone and on their own in life. Thats not me. I know where to find and how to access divine light, peace and assurance. Even when I don't understand things, I know that someday I will.  Writing all this out in my journal helped me feel more empowered to try and make some happy moments during this Thanksgiving day.  I wondered how badly Chris was feeling, he maybe doesn't have all my crazy emotions, but he's experiencing everything I am on TOP of actually feeling physically horrible. I decided to try and make his Thanksgiving a fun one and surprise him with some components of a typical thanksgiving. 

So I put some frozen Rodes rolls in the oven while I finished laundry, packed a bag of instant mashed potatoes, hot chocolate, banana cream pudding cups, a puzzle and a game and stopped by two stores looking for a microwavable stuffing mix and Martinellis.  I never found the special drinks, but by 4:30 I was back in the hospital with Chris. Using the microwave there and about 15 Styrofoam cups to help me measure the ingredients accurately, I put together a little feast...thanks go to the hospital cafeteria for providing the slice of turkey!

We ended the evening with watching one of the free movies the hospital TV's have on them: The Amazing Spider Man. We hadn't seen it yet and it was fun to watch something new. 

The kids had a fun Thanksgiving with Grandma and Grandpa Dixie, cousins and more extended family. Gwen was cuddled, napped and sipped water throughout the day and the boys amused themselves with toys and cousins.  I'm absolutely positive some of the best food was served to them that day...even if they didn't realize it.  The played bingo and won some fun little gifts that Chris' Uncle Bruce and Aunt Diane had brought. 

The next day Chris' levels were better!  White blood cells to .8 Red blood cells at 27 and platelets at 28. (if my memory serves me correctly) The doctors weren't sure we were in the all clear zone yet and were tempted to just keep us in the hospital for another night or two until Chris engraphed, but left the choice up to us.  We decided to get out of there and spend as much time at the apartment as we could. Even if he got another fever and we had to go back to the hospital, any time at "home" would be worth the effort of having to get admitted. 

We really enjoyed being in the apartment, the rest of the day and checked Chris' temperature every 40 min or so, but to our delight, he stayed below the danger zone!! I even had the time, space and energy to work on Christmas jammies. My sister, Tiffany and brother Jordan left that day to drive our kids from UT to us in Nashville! We're so excited to see them. Also I was feeling a little bit of pressure to complete some things I thought I'd have time to do without having to take care of the kids....like Christmas shopping and Christmas jammies.  I had no idea how busy and tiring taking care of Chris would be. Maybe if we hadn't gotten infested with fleas and had to move twice I would've had more time and energy to do other things, but oh well.  We did what we could. 

Surprises on Day 9 / 10

We had snow in Nashville! so fun and I love all the Christmas decorations getting put up.

Yesterday, Day 9, we had a few surprises.

- When we got to the clinic we were assigned a different, smaller room without a bed for chris or a comfy chair for me...in fact there wasn't any chair in there for me. Before we had been there 1 min, one of the nurses that has been looking out for us, Amanda, walked by and said, 'Oh, No. You are not in that room.  She walked up to the desk and switched us over to our 'usual' room then told us, 'You may go to your suite now.'  She is very fun and reminds me of one of my best friends in highschool, Sandra....just with a southern accent. She teases us all the time and keeps us in good spirits.

- Chris' levels went up a bit by themselves and he needed NO blood or platelets!! White blood cells from .2 to .4 and Red blood cells from 24 to 26 and Platelets from 11 to 18.  This was very exciting. We thought this meant that he would just steadily increase from here. Even though he didn't actually FEEL any better, we hoped this meant he would start to feel better soon.  It was like the first gust of a fresh wind in a hot, stale summer month. Hope!

- Since it was the day before Thanksgiving there were some extra nice things for the nurses. A lunch was brought in from some local favorite Mexican restaurant and a masseuse was there to give the nurses 15 min massages. Amanda walked by our room around lunch time and with a glint in her eye asked the other nurse if they could manage to feed a pregnant lady. :) So they made me a plate of some yummy Mexican food for lunch. Poor Chris couldn't have it, but he was kind and kept saying he was glad that at least I could enjoy it.  Amanda walked by a little bit later with another glint in her eye and told me she had a surprise for me. Her and a few other of our favorite nurses had worked it out so the masseuse lady snuck me into the rotation somehow. I had 15 min of relaxing music, warm oils and a shoulder, back, head and face massage. oooooh I melted. My friends told me I looked like I was drunk walking out of that massage room. I'm not sure about that but I do know it felt amazing.  I love my nurse friends. There really is a special feeling in the clinic.

- The last surprise of the day is NOT a good one. Around the time (10:00pm) I was giving Chris the extra dose of IV antibiotics (Vancomycin...a new medication since he had a fever of 100.5 for a couple of minutes the night before) Chris said he felt warm and asked me to take his temperature. It was 101.8. Not good. Another high fever.  Since it went down by it self the night before within just a few minutes, we decided to give it some time and finish the 90 min Vancomycin infusion before calling the after-hours cancer number.  45 min later, it was still high..100.8. So we called and were headed back to the hospital an hour later. We start the admissions process on the 10 floor Stem Cell Transplant inpatient wing  at 12:30am and  it wasn't until 2:30am that Chris and I were finally able to brush our teeth and try and sleep for the night.  The nurse had wanted to get 2 sets of blood cultures started, one from his line/port and one 'peripherally'...which means they had to stick him. This TOTALLY took us by surprise, we thought he'd never have to get stuck again as long as he had the tri-fusion catheter in.  Chris absolutely hates getting poked and I don't blame him since they always have a hard time.  They always (and this time was no exception) end up digging around and then trying in a different spot or two. By the end he was just exhausted from lack of sleep and feeling pretty low about everything.  We were both disappointed to be back in the hospital ...especially since we knew we'd be here for Thanksgiving now.

New Apartment, Day 5, 6 and 7

So on the eve of Day 4 we settled into our original Nashville apartment again.  I unpack everything we took to the hotel and everything the apartment complex people had washed to treat the fleas....which was pretty much everything we brought up from Starkville.

An hour later around 7:00pm I saw my first flea. I was disappointed but also thinking maybe it was just the last stray flea.  Within 90 min, Chris and I had killed 11 more. Every time I walked around the apartment a few more would jump onto my white socks.  NOOOO!!!!! I couldn't take any more of it and txted the apartment people right away.  They ended up moving us into an available apartment in the complex next door that very night.  It is only a 1 bedroom, but thats fine. Neither Chris nor I were up for going to another hotel or other temporary space. He just needs to rest and recover and I can't keep moving things all over the place.

No fleas, my own pillows, the bed topper, and no loud hotel guests made for a good nights sleep. Even waking up at 2:30, 4:30, and 5:15 to administer Chris' IV antibiotics didn't prevent me from going deep into dream land.

The apartment guys were really nice and helpful. They ended up helping to transfer over everything from our old apartment to the new one, most of it while Chris and I were at the clinic the next day, Day 5. We had another busy morning at the clinic (although Chris' levels are scraping the bottom he didn't need anything besides some fluids!) and then unpacking and getting settled again and doing more loads of laundry to kill off any fleas on our stuff.

But our afternoon was nice and low key...lots of football and lots of simple foods - broth/crackers/applesauce/pudding/rice/beans and powerade.

Sunday, Day 6, was even better!! Even though the morning at the clinic wasn't simple, the rest of the day was so nice! His platelet levels were at a 6, normal being 150-300, and anything less than 10 they give a platelet transfusion. It wasn't too long, only 45 min or so and Chris didn't experience any of the possible complications like hives, fever or rash. We got out early enough for a quick stop at the nearest LDS chapel so I could slip in and take the Sacrament. Chris waited for me in the car since he shouldn't be around people yet and I didn't have enough time to drop him off at home. Those 20 minutes of singing hymns and quiet contemplation did wonders for my soul. I pretty much cried through the sacrament hymn and the passing of the sacrament but the peaceful feelings were worth it. Then we went home and topped the day off with some gospel music (even some choral Christmas music!!) hot chocolate, NO FLEAS, rice and chicken dinner, banana n'ice cream and some Masterpiece Mystery. oooooooo...it was such a good day.

Today, Day 7, at the clinic his red blood cell count was low (23...and their transfusion cut off is 25) so Chris got his first blood transfusion today. It was all red and gross-looking for Chris, who doesn't do very well with blood, so he just welcomed the benedryl and checked out.

  I'm surprised he needed some today, though, because his coloring actually looks better! Maybe that means his levels will be up tomorrow. I don't know. His white blood cell count was up... 0.2 instead of 0.1. He still probably has a few more days of being at the bottom but we can start to imagine the incline. :)

His hair has been falling out all over the place, mostly from his beard and its getting in all his food, shirts, pillows, bathroom  but he's not allowed to shave since he's so immuno compromised. He sat down on Sunday and absentmindedly picked at it. I looked over at him a minute later and just busted out laughing.  Half of his mustache was just gone.  He requested a towel for his chest and just went to town rubbing and pulling at his facial hair. It looked pretty patchy when he was down. One nurse even started calling him patchy (which I think is way better than 'the flea people'). Another nurse brought in a hair trimmer and we cleaned him up pretty good. 

The nurses said he looked younger. :)

Hospital Stay part 2

The doctors wanted to keep him in the hospital until he had a normal temperature for over 24 hours so we had at least one more night in the hospital before us.

I thought it best to move the car from the other hospitals slightly more grungy/scary parking garage before it got dark in case I needed to access it. I managed to find it pretty good and had enough energy to go peek at our old apartment. I had gotten a call in the past hour that it was sprayed, cleaned and ready for us to move back into.  I didn't unpack the car from the hotel just walked around, grabbed a fresh tshirt to sleep in and headed back to Chris' hospital room. I decided not to be adventurous and find a closer parking spot....just stuck with what I was comfortable with and enjoy the Christmas decorations lining our familiar walk from the South Parking garage to the hospital.

Turns out I would need to go back to the car TWICE that night. Once around 7, to grab something specific Chris requested for dinner: mashed potatoes and then again around 10:30pm to get some more clothes for Chris.  But...the usual doors I use to enter the hospital are locked after 9:00pm. I knew this would happen and got directions from a hospital worker before I exited the building. Those directions turned out to be wrong. It was dark, raining, late and I found myself walking around the hospital for 45 min looking for the right door - the Emergency Room doors.  You'd think there'd be signs everywhere. There were and I followed the signs but they took me, once again, to the VERTERAN'S hospital emergency room.  The guy there had no idea where the VANDERBILT emergency room was. My feet were wet and tired...just a few hours before I had told Chris I felt like I had ran a 1/2 marathon...my body was so exhausted.

I was talking to my mom on the phone the whole time I walked because it made me feel safer and helped distract me from my tiredness. I eventually found the right doors and was greeted by a mental detector (they always make me nervous for some reason), but the guard was really friendly and nice. Thinking I was home free I was disappointed to realize all the internal doors of the hospital were locked too!  I wandered around looking for something I recognized and some nice guy in scrubs saw me and unlocked an elevator for me one that would take me up to the 10th floor. I stepped out of the elevator and found myself trapped behind another set of locked doors...with no where else to go but back in the elevator which had just closed and was locked from me again. A nurse and another stem cell patient (who I had chatted with earlier that day luckily) saw me and opened the doors for me. It was all I could do to drag myself to the very back corner of the unit where Chris' room was before I just sat down and cried, again.

It was after midnight before I could fold out my little chair and go to sleep. But thanks to the large amount of exercise I got throughout the day and the previous three bad nights of sleep, I pretty much zonked out for the night.

Chris was slowly feeling ok, still had no fever by the next morning (Day 4) and even felt up to eating some eggs and a little waffle!

He got two strange abrasions/bruises on his shin and still had super loose bowels and stomach cramps but no fever so they set us up to be discharged. But first I had to be trained to give Chris some antibiotics through IV. They need me to administer them to him every 8 hours for probably about a week. Whatever it takes to get out of the hospital and back to an apartment.

I don't like any picture of me now that I'm 6 weeks from due date but here is one if me getting trained to do Chris IV antibiotics at home:

Chris getting wheeled out in this awesome cart thing. The kids would've been jealous. Heck, I was jealous. 

Hospital Stay part 1

We stayed one night in the hotel, the night that switched Chris from Day 1 to Day 2 (in stem cell transplant schedule dialogue).  Pardon my negativity for a moment but I slept horribly. The temperature unit below the window either blasted out heat or cold air... I kept having to switch it back and forth to try and maintain a good temperature. I woke up with my hips and shoulders just aching and before looking at my watch I wished it would read 6:00am....I started crying to find it was only 1:30am. I sat up and looked at facebook/read scriptures for a couple of hours before I laid down again to try and sleep. There was so much noise from neighboring hotel guests and/or people outside, one gentleman was particularly loud and we could almost make out every word he said.  Even Chris commented about it...which is saying a lot since he's been in his own little survival zone, not even living in a flea infested apartment got any complaint from him.  (But he's usually not one to complain much anyway). On our way out the door in the morning we see a couple cigarette butts dropped on the hallway carpet outside the door across from ours. The grab n' go breakfast was mostly coffee and they didn't have any shampoo.

But the hotel was free and I didn't have to find it and it was still close to Vanderbilt and....and....um... two of the pillows felt like they were stuffed with real feathers. Oh! and the chair at the desk was a really comfortable one on wheels.

We went to the clinic, as usual, and his counts were really low. Chris is hanging in there but its all getting to him. He's beyond exhausted, still getting tons of fluid that makes him get up and pee every hour or two, and has stomach cramps. He barely says a word but at some point looks over at me with tears in his eyes and says he's not sure how much longer he can do this. People have told us he starts to feel better between Day 10 and 14....its only Day 2, and that thought depresses him.  I'm tired too and its so HARD being right next to him all the time, seeing what he goes through and not being able to really DO anything to make him feel better. Him and I both shed some tears, and I try hard not to make a scene because my ability to compose myself after I start crying has just disappeared in the past couple of months. Its just better not to start, unless I have guaranteed solitude for a couple of hours.

It was really nice, though, to bring him back to the hotel room and get comfortable laying down in a king-sized bed with more than 1 pillow and a heater blasting next to him. He felt quite chilled from the walk out of the clinic to the car, and car to the hotel room.  I discovered the nice desk chair and got myself set up for some scripture/journal time and some time to work on my quilting blocks. I really enjoyed those two hours and was grateful for the private, quiet, hotel room with a little half kitchen place for me to make rice-a-roni. That quiet time was a nice blessing since things were going to go back downhill very shortly.

Chris woke up from his nap and ate some rice but as I got close I could sense he was hot.  I took his temperature... a couple of times...and tried to keep my voice completely calm as I told him he had a fever that warranted calling the hospital (anything over 100.4 is cause to come in and he was at 101.8). I didn't want him to flip out but I'm glad he didn't let me reason away the temperature by stating the fact that he was under blankets with a sweatshirt on and a heater right next to him. I called the emergency number we were given and within an hour we were headed back to the clinic (thankfully it was just BARELY before they closed at 5) so we could be admitted straight from the clinic and not have to bother with the general or emergency hospital admissions.  They took his temperature and it only read 99.something! But because he looked clammy and pale and because it was so high at home they decided it was better to admit him since it was likely he would just spike a higher fever later in the night so they started the paperwork and ordered some blood and urine cultures.

Good thing they did because just an hour later when we were moved up to the 'penthouse' suites on the top floor of the Critical Care Tower (a special wing for transplant patients with pressurized rooms the size of our California EV apartment!) his temperature was 102.something. They started him on antibiotics and more fluids but other than monitoring him, they couldn't really give him anything to mask or lower the fever since they needed any information his body could tell them about whats going on inside.  He slept feverishly when he could...still having to get up to go the bathroom every few hours, getting meds, taking vitals, etc.  There was a little chair thing that pulled out flat to serve as a bed for me and the kind 'patient care representative' hooked me up with 4 pillows! I actually slept better than I did at the hotel. I think being completely exhausted helped somewhat.

Chris' fever broke in the night and he hasn't had any of the other problems they keep asking him about. No painful mouth sores, no bleeding or pain during urination, no vomiting or diarrhea, no unexplained bleeding or fluid in his lungs.  I had to check us out of the hotel room the next day and after waiting to see the doctors (they came in a pack of 6 at a time :)..)  look at and talk with Chris I barely made it to the hotel with 45 min to shower (still with no shampoo) eat breakfast, pack up all our stuff and check out).

Proud of myself that I made it all and even found a cart to carry the bags down to the car on (so my mom wouldn't scold me for lifting all the bags) I decided to try and park closer to the hospital tower. Long story short (because this post is long enough!!) I somehow parked and got lost in a completely different hospital. A nice lady saw my obviously pregnant self carrying bags of clothes and frozen goods with a lost expression on my face. She informed me that I was in the Veterans hospital (what?? ) and led me out a restricted access door and past some dumpsters. With a sympathetic but cheery attitude, a hug and kiss on the cheek she pointed to wear the Vanderbilt hospital was and sent me on my way. By the time I got up to Chris' 10th floor room, my hands and shoulders were red, swollen, numb and I was once again, on the verge of another crying episode...it was only noon on Day 3.

Fleas and gratitude

We have been infested with fleas at our apartment in Nashville. :( At first I thought they were fruit flies when I saw just one or two every other day or so. But they never flew and they didn't look exactly like fruit flies but I'm constantly surprised by the bugs in the South.... maybe Nashville has some tiny, fast and jumpy fruit flies. 

But two days ago I saw too many and looked some stuff up on the internet and figured we had a flea problem. I called the guy who set us up in the apartment the morning of Chris's stem cell infusion and described the problem. He said he'd have pest control over by the next afternoon. So last night we were still at the apartment and the fleas were EVERYWHERE. It was a horrible night. I couldn't sleep... I kept thinking I felt bugs all over me. We thought we should sleep with pants and socks on but the apartment's thermostat was off and I woke up at 2:00 am just itching and sweating. I got up to turn down the heat and then went to the bathroom where I could see at least 10 fleas on each foot!! I saw a few on my pj pants and basically freaked out, took off all my clothes and showered for as long as the water was warm. Needless to say I slept horrible and so did Chris. He hasn't freaked out the way I have, mainly because he just hasn't had the energy too. His levels today were so low he's officially neutopenic. Poor guy. Also the fleas don't seem to like him the way they like me. I think it's because of his smell. The preservative in the frozen stem cell slush apparently has a VERY potent smell I can only describe as a fresh opened can of creamed corn. No joke. It's strong and it's supposed to last for days. I'm glad I'm not in my first trimester. 

Anyway. Neither of us can afford another night like last night so we told the nurses about the fleas and they got our social worker involved and she was very helpful and so has the apartment guy. They worked it out to fumigate the apartment but neither Chris nor I ('cuz of the baby) can be in the apartment for 48 hours. So this morning after settling in Chris in at the hospital/clinic I had to run over and pack an overnight bag and get the apartment ready to be gassed. The hospital is paying for our hotel room and the social worker set it up for us. So after Chris finished at the clinic and got a chest X-ray to make sure no infections are forming we went to the grocery store to stock up another temporary kitchen with foods Chris may hopefully be in mood for later. 

The hotel is not horrible but it's pretty cheap, it actually makes me excited to go back to the other apartment... assuming the fleas are gone.  I wonder if I'll ever stop itching and ever, EVER FEEL COMFORTBALE ENOUGH TO WALK AROUND BARE FOOT IN MY OWN HOUSE!!  After the fleas here and the cockroaches in our Starkville place... I may be scarred for life.

I'm feeling fairly ungrateful right now and I don't like the feeling. I actually have been composing the rest of this blog post for the past few days. But it seems appropriate to publish it now. Maybe remembering all that Chris and I were sincerely grateful for two days ago will help me change my attitude around. 

Ways God has blessed us -

- The nurses. All the nurses have been really nice, helpful, informative, kind, understanding and friendly. One in particular seems to mesh really well with our personalitities. Gwen is not very loud or overly talkative but still open, friendly and kind.  She's cautious and systematic and very proficient at what she does. We feel comfortable in her capable hands.

- The doctors.  Dr. Kassim is so encouraging, positive and even playful at times. Dr. Goodman seems so solid and well grounded with her recommendations.

- This apartment. Its clean and has a nice atmosphere. The location is peaceful, home-like and near a beautiful park. It feels very different from a downtown hospital setting. It has the space we need when other people come, but also seems just right when its just the two of us.

- The city. Nashville is beautiful. We love to drive around and enjoy any new part of Nashville we come across. The hills, and huge trees, the sunsets, and perfect fall weather / temperature, the natural solid rock foundation under the grass and trees. The weather has been very fun. A few quite cold days (like below freezing) but mostly some perfectly warmish days. Some exciting rain and thunder storms and high winds, but mostly sunny skies with maybe a slight cool breeze.

- The support of many family and friends. With emails, txts, messages, letters, packages, deliveries, phone calls, we hear of so many people thinking about us and praying for us. We feel loved and armed with resources. Many of the messages have come straight from the deepest places of people's hearts, and we can feel that! Phrases, concepts and quotes have really stuck with me and helped me stabilize my spiritual and emotional well-being.  We are so incredibly blessed to know some really amazing people. And not just know them casually but know some really amazing people, really well.

- Monetary support. For the many generous monetary donations from friends and family we've been surprised and touched.  I'm constantly surprised at what this is costing us and based on past disappointments with insurance companies, I'm skeptical with how much coverage we'll actually get with them. Were it not for the thousands of dollars we've been blessed to receive from our family and friends, this whole experience would be a very REAL financial burden...one that would make me sick to my stomach and very seriously depressed.  This financial blessing was something that Heavenly Father blessed us with before we even knew we'd need it.  So when the bills actually arrived and invoices were due, we had money in our account to cover them all. Amazing.

- Our children. The blessing is two fold. God has blessed us with wonderful children AND he has blessed us with people to help take care of our children. Charlie, Alec and Gwen bring joy and meaning to our lives.  They are quick learners and resilient...they seem to understand, at least at some level, why we have to be apart right now, and they seem happy and excited for whatever adventure lies ahead of them. It would be so much harder to watch them drive away if they were screaming and crying.  Probably most of their happiness is a product of the capable hands in which they've been placed.  We have been blessed with Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who we trust implicitly and who have been so kind to send us pictures and updates of the kids.

- Our parents. I once said in a testimony meeting when I was a teenager how sorry I felt for everyone else there because they weren't lucky enough to have my parents, for parents. I know Chris feels the same way about his parents, and we both feel the same way about each others' parents!  Just last night after a long phone call with my parents, Chris commented on how wonderful my parents are. He said he knew he was lucky that somehow he got me to marry him, but he didn't realize how much more lucky he was to get my family too.  Both our parents have told us and shown us that they are ready to do anything we want them to do. They are a nice balance of helpful but not overbearing at all.  They lead and guide us without making us feel that they are in charge of us still.

- The scriptures. Particularly the recent conference addresses, for me, and late Alma (maybe 58...stripling warriors and other stories), for Chris.  When the Nephite armies containing the 2,000 young Ammonite sons, prayed for added strength to their army and deliverance from the onslaught of Lamanite fights the Lord answered their prayers not with more soliders, but with more peace...not with a miraculous disappearance of the Lamanites but with more faith. "Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our ^adeliverance in him. " (Alma 58:11) This particular verse has meant a lot to Chris recently.

- An unanticipated free weekend. Saturday morning two weekends ago we said goodbye to Brittany and Jane as they headed home to Texas and goodbye to Chris' parents and our kids as they started the drive to Utah, so by 9:00am, we found ourselves alone and feeling relatively normal. We hadn't planned for this but used the rest of the day, the next day and the next day to enjoy spending time together without really having to get anything done.  Chris used his normal amounts of energy to dote on me and I used my newly freed time and attention to connect with Chris and catch up on sleep.  We're so grateful for that unasked for blessing.  Again the Lord blessed us with something we needed before we even knew we needed it.