In December of 2015, we felt good about trying to have another baby. Freddy had just turned 2 and we didn't want a huge gap between them, but we also didn't feel rushed. Ever since Chris' stem cell transplant in 2013 Chris' body has been unable to produce viable sperm, rendering him sterile. For 6 months, I kept sort of hoping for a miracle... knowing the God is a God of miracles...maybe it'll happen for us. Month after month I was sad when it didn't happen, but not devastated since I knew it was a long shot and I knew we had some banked sperm samples we gave before the transplant. I guess I just didn't know how the process would work and was nervous about the unknown. By July, we finally got the courage (I don't know why it took me so long!) to call the hospital in Birmingham, AL (3 hours from us) where the sperm was banked to ask how to go about using it. We had to wait a month and a half for an appointment with the doctor. That appointment was just a meet and greet, lay out the options, explain the process, check out Chris' frozen samples, see how many good vials we have (turns out we had 10 vials - 5 great ones and 5 decent ones) and do an ultra sound to make sure everything looked ok on my end of the deal. I was told to track my cycle and use ovulation kits to determine when I ovulate, then once the tests detect a surge of ovulation I am supposed to call the doctors and set up an appointment for the next day for an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).
Well by now it was September and we bought a cheap ovulation kit and tested it once a day (which was sometimes tricky since I had to hold my bladder for 3-4 hours before testing it in the middle of the day) The cheap brand ended up being tricky to read and we accidentally missed the window. I was pretty frustrated. The next month we got the more expensive brand that had a digital reader so we wouldn't have to try and decide how what exact shade the test line is... all we had to do was wait for the non-flashing happy face. Also it came with lots of testers so I tested twice a day, first time in the morning and in the afternoon. We finally detected a surge and went in for our first IUI try.
It was an all day affair - dropping off kids at a friends house around 6:30am since the schools didn't open that early and then driving 3 hours to the University of Birmingham hospital. They can't unthaw the sperm sample until they have written approval from Chris in person so we often had to wait an hour or more before they'd call us back into a regular room. Once there it went much like a normal peliv exam except for the slanted block under my lower back and the syringe with a long tiny tube they slip up inside me to my uterus. It only took a few seconds to release the sample into me and then I'm supposed to wait on my back for 10 minutes or so then we would be free to go. We'd only have time to grab some fast food lunch on our 3 hour drive back to be home in time to get the kids from school at 3:00pm. I remember having some uncomfortable cramps both on the drive out and back - I guess that's normal during ovulation, I just never noticed before. (BTW, our insurance doesn't cover any of this, so we're paying out of pocket for everything. Not counting the first doctors visit and ultrasound each IUI costs around $400).
Then the waiting game to see if 'it took.' I can't stop myself from being optimistic and every single day I swore I was pregnant and got SO SO SAD when it didn't work. We repeated the process in November - another ovulation kit, another 10 days of tracking levels, another surge detected, another trip out to Birmingham for an IUI, another 2 weeks of waiting and wondering - and it worked! I got a positive pregnancy test and was told to wait a few days and get blood work done at the local hospital to confirm the pregnancy. I did, and got a call the next day saying it was positive! They wanted me to repeat the lab work again in a few days which I did and the following day (Christmas Adam) they called to tell me the levels were dropping and I would miscarry soon. The bleeding started that night. A huge roller coaster of emotions and sadness.
We repeated the process again in January, - another ovulation kit, another 10 days of tracking levels, another surge detected, another trip out to Birmingham except here we had a major hiccup. Since we had bad cell reception at our house, I missed a phone call telling me that because of a bad winter weather storm, the Reproduction lab would be closed. So we drove out to Birmingham to find an abandoned clinic. We didn't know what was going on and waited for a while, and eventually someone walked by who called somebody who then came to visit with us and talk and explain. I couldn't hold back the tears as we walked back to the car to drive back home.
We started the process again in February, - another ovulation kit, another 10 days of tacking levels and here we had another major hiccup. We were at a special once-in-a-life-time family reunion with all my siblings and their kids at Disneyland in California when we got a positive surge a little early. There would be no way to drive out to Birmingham AL the next day. I tried to enjoy our Disneyland trip still and not be so disappointed and I mostly succeeded.
We repeated the process again in March... and it didn't take. No baby.
We repeated the process again in April and the hiccup this time was that Chris had a special meeting for work that he couldn't cancel on the day we were supposed to have an IUI. The nurses assured us that he had signed approval enough in the past, it wouldn't be a problem, so I found a friend to watch Freddy for me and I went to Birmingham by myself to get pregnant. Once there, the lab technician still wanted approval from Chris. I worried I'd be turned away again and almost cried, but then they decided we could just call Chris and get verbal approval. Once we did the rest of the process was normal and I came home hoping for a baby.
A few weeks later we got a positive test! After so many disappointments, I was trying to protect myself and was REALLY cautious to let myself fully believe it. Two rounds of blood work also showed a healthy pregnancy. I had another appointment in Birmingham scheduled to do an ultrasound to check everything out and it still looked good! After that I started to believe for sure that we were expecting another baby. I was super cautious and stopped running (but not exercising completely, I just stopped jumping around). The doctors in Birmingham turned my prenatal care over to my regular OB doctor here in Starkville and the rest of the pregnancy is going normally. Hurray for babies! Hurray for modern medicine that helped make this miracle happen.
My pregnancy symptoms have been much stronger with this one. I felt pretty nauseous in the afternoons/evenings and dry heaved alllll the time. This pregnancy was reminding me so much of when I was pregnant with Gwen: I craved salty things like chips and cheese and meat... not necessarily sweets like I usually do and was SO TIRED (my thyroid levels were extra extra low so increasing my cynthroid dose helped a bit with that), I had an increased desire for Chris and I had some acne flare up. Plus it just made so much sense that this baby would be a girl. Its probably our last, I really wanted Gwen to experience the joys of having a sister, and girls (in my experience) are just slightly more sweet, helpful, clean, and a little less rambunctious than boys. I really wanted another girl. I knew I didn't know for sure it was a girl, so I tried to prepare myself to have another boy.
When we went in for the ultra sound, I thought I had neutralized my emotions. The technician shows us a healthy heart, brain, etc. and it didn't take more than a split second of looking for the gender that we all saw the distinctive shape of a little penis. I tried to keep it together during the ultrasound and doctors appointment. but basically cried for the next day or two. (Sheesh... in re-reading this post I can see that I'm crying A LOT... not all of which can be blamed on pregnancy hormones...sorry).
(To my future baby boy: don't get me wrong... I LOVE YOU! I know I'll love you! I know you'll be just the perfect fit in our family. I wanted a girl when I was pregnant with Freddy too, and I KNOW that I'll love you just as much as I love him. )
But I felt like I lost a daughter. All my dreams about having daughterS and Gwen getting to experience girl time with a sister.. and having my boys and our house atmosphere refined a bit more with some feminine touch were lost. If we had had a girl, I would've felt quite sure that we were done and complete, but now I'm not positive and yet with how complicated it is to get pregnant and already having 5 kids... I don't really want to do that all again.
I probably should've just ended this post with the happy news that we got pregnant, because now it just sounds all whiny and ungrateful, but I guess its how I feel so I'm writing it.